Inspired by Pratibha Patil speech, Chinese President Hu Jintao speaks out against Section 66A of Indian IT Act

Though a tad late, the latest to join the chorus for the repealing of the draconian Section 66A of the Indian IT Act, was Chinese President Hu Jintao. In a statement addressed to Satire TV's Chinese correspondent Chung Li Wang, Jintao said "I just heard the former Indian president speak yesterday, condemning the Delhi incident and I must say, it inspired me to voice my concern against IT laws in India. You can say the timing of my speech too, long after the Facebook arrests were made, is inspired by the timing of Mrs. Patil's speech. As people say, better late than never, after all, I guess, though in her case, I see a lot of Indians saying 'better never, even than late' "

Hu Jintao is inspired by his former Indian counterpart

"Section 66A of the Indian IT Act must go immediately! It is draconian in its approach and it greatly suppresses freedom of speech. This kind of suppression is the greatest threat to any society. Those oppressing free speech have no place in modern society, simply because freedom of speech is the hallmark of a growing, dynamic and evolving nation. Such lawmakers must be taken to task and must be given the strictest punishment possible, before anyone else. There needs to be a change in the mindset and psyche of lawmakers. They need to be more democratic and modern in their approach and outlook. They just cannot afford to employ and exercise an antiquated school of thought. Social networking sites must be given as much immunity as possible, because they are the key epitomes of free speech today," Jintao said. 

When Wang asked him about the Chinese society, Jintao said "Haha! I've watched her speech completely man. You can't fool me with such questions! Laws in my country were made on recommendation of my ministers. You've gotta ask them, buddy!"

Indian populace to be shifted urgently to Singapore for treatment

In an emergency decision that is likely to raise many eyebrows, it has been decided to shift the Indian population in turns, to Singapore for a few days, for treatment, as there are highly better cleansing facilities there, thus making it conducive for the nation's recovery.

"India, a victim of brutal shame, is in a highly serious and critical condition, has been on life-support / ventilator for quite sometime, battling for life. Vital organs of the system like the Government, police force, a weak legal system have completely failed. Most of all, the heart of the nation, comprising billions of citizens, has succumbed gravely to selfishness, ignorance and nonchalance. A large section of the country has been infected with sexism, misogyny and the like and it is dangerously spreading to other sections too. So we decided to move the nation, part by part, to Singapore for treatment," said a citizen of India, residing in Delhi. 

"The government has developed a big tumor filled with tear gas and water cannons, which dangerously erupts on innocent, harmless girls who protest and surprisingly, never on goons organizing bandhs. This tumor has to be removed first," said another citizen.

Citizens say that the move to shift the Indian populace to Singapore was a purely apolitical one. Billions of prayers are being offered all over the country, for India's speedy recovery, hoping for a miracle. On its part, the nation is said to be very brave and apparently wants to continue surviving, despite all the tragedy that has happened to it.

Tribute to Ashwin Kumar by Pankaj Vaidya

Hi folks, 

I'm sharing with you all, something which left me speechless :) :) - a tribute written to me, by UnReal columnist Pankaj Vaidya ...on account of me having completed 100 articles for The UnReal Times :) ...

Thank you so much, Pankaj !! ..Really very kind & nice of you :)....Like I said, I'm speechless, overwhelmed, honored, humbled...I dunno what to say! :) ....Feels really special to know that there are people who truly value my work !! :) Thanks again !! :) God bless you !!

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Citizen Satarist Ashwin Kumar completes 100 Posts on UnReal Times

On 1st October, with an article titled “Mulayam Singh Yadav to make Urdu commentary compulsory forthe Indian Grand Prix”, Ashwin Kumar completed 100 posts for “The Unreal Times”.

Ravi Shastri said on the occasion “Ashwin raced to his century like a tracer bullet. He has taken an
unassailable lead in this satire Grand Prix and it can only be said that in the end the game of satire was
the real winner”.

Turning to Mulayam Singh Yadav, Ravi Shastri asked “So Mulayamji, how do you feel about the fact that
Ashwin reached his magic milestone off you?” Mulayam said “This again proves that I am the kingmaker.
Ashwin may be the single largest citizen satirist on The Unreal Times but he needed my support to reach
the magic figure”. Mulayam further added “And to add to what Ashwin said, this season’s Grand Prix
course will have dangerous U turns along the way”.

Prominent persons from all walks of life congratulated Ashwin Kumar on this achievement. Prime
Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh said “I thank Ashwin for giving voice to my silence these past 2 years.” BJP
President Nitin Gadkari congratulated him and sent him a basket of samosas. Cartoonist Aseem Trivedi
has drawn a cartoon in Ashwin’s honor.

Indian Express editor Shekhar Gupta has invited Ashwin to join his newspaper. “Together we can take
Journalism of Mirage to new heights” he said.

Meanwhile Ashwin Kumar said on his Facebook page “First of all, deepest thanks to the UnReal
team. Secondly, thanks to all of you, my readers for all the encouragement & support.” Congress
General Secretary Digvijay Singh has taken strong objection to this statement saying “Ashwin Kumar
is ungrateful. He did not even bother to thank me. His century could definitely not have been possible
without me”.

Further Ashwin said on his Facebook page “108 articles and 100 solo articles on The Unreal Times”
Reacting to this, Digvijay Singh said, “Even I have 15 articles and 10 solo articles on The Unreal Times”.

Mahatma Gandhi who had returned to haunt the Congress party on April Fool’s day said, “It feels so
nice that Ashwin crossed the magic figure just a day before my birthday. I appreciate his non-violent
method of fighting corruption and upholding freedom of speech and expression. Satire is a special flavor
of Satyagraha wherein you shame the wrong doers without picking up a weapon. Keep it up Ashwin. All

the best. And hope to see your 200th article before my next birthday”.

UPA government rated India's most expensive hotel at 7 1/2 stars

Move over the Leelas, the Tajs and the Oberois. Following a recent stunning revelation through a response to an RTI query, that a plate of dinner at the UPA government is worth a sky-rocketing INR 7721, the government has successfully overtaken The Taj Lake Palace, Udaipur, as the most expensive hotel in India, with a rating of 7 1/2 stars.

7, Race Course Road & 10, Janpath, the offices of India's most expensive 7.5 star hotel

The announcement was made by Mr. Nakul Anand, Divisional Chief Executive – Hotels, ITC Ltd. and President of the Hotel Association of India. "Usually, the most expensive hotels are the ones with magnificent buildings, luxurious interiors and exorbitantly expensive rooms for stay. However, this case is the first of its kind, as a government is being declared as a hotel - one with no fixed location, yet, the most luxurious one in India's history. In no star hotel until now, has a plate of dinner costed as much as seven thousand rupees. Also, this hotel offers free travel packages to you and your family covering many countries, worth INR 205 crore. Hell, it even gives you land ! No hotel in the world offers these. All you need to do, in order to stay in this hotel is to stay servile to a few foreigners on its governing unit. The more servile you get, the more your chances of an upgrade to a more luxurious suite. This hotel also claims to be the first secular hotel ever - God knows what they mean by that !! As for the food, the hotel is known for its fondness for Italian cuisine," Anand added. 

"The secret is - no one knows how the hotel really operates. I tried inquiring how they manage their expenditures to maintain such standards of luxury. But two officials of this hotel told me that there's always zero loss. It's amazing! I also heard that they're mulling keeping the doors of this hotel open for foreign investment," Anand said. Following the announcement, a proud UPA government, has decided to rename itself "The Rajiv Gandhi palace of India".

Kevin Pietersen pours out his frustration on his Facebook wall !

England's swashbuckling batsman, Kevin Pietersen was left out of the country's squad yet again. The cricketing star took to Facebook to voice his frustration and ended up receiving a variety of interesting messages. A snapshot of his Facebook wall was captured by our Satire TV reporter in London, James Pandu.

[ Please click on the image  for a larger view ]

Sam Anderson's "Yaarukku Yaaro Stepnee" to be released in 3D

Cashing in on the fad of releasing movies in 3D is Tamil Cinema's Youtube superstar Sam Anderson, who has joined the bandwagon with his blockbuster movie "Yaarukku Yaaro Stepnee". Incidentally, this is the 3rd Tamil movie to be released in 3D, after Ambuli and Rajinikanth's Sivaji. "When Rajini can do it, why not Stepnee?" the star is supposed to have asked.

First 3D movie poster of Sam Anderson's eagerly awaited "Yaarukku Yaaro Stepnee 3D", a review ( perhaps, in 3D too ) of which is sure to be written by journalists in the next couple of days, or 3 Days

Speaking from an unknown location i.e. his own bedroom, the viral superstar was happy to have interacted with our Satire TV reporter:

Reporter: How does it feel to be known as the Viral superstar of Tamil Cinema?

Sam: I don't know why people call me viral superstar. I don't even have half as big a vayaru as my arch-rivals and fierce competitors, T.Rajendar and Captain Vijayakanth. Nevertheless, it is good to be a superstar.

Reporter: Great ! Can you please throw some more light on Yaarukku Yaaro Stepnee 3D ?

Sam: Sure ( increases brightness on his desktop screen )

Reporter: Oh ! No sir, I meant, please give us some details about the film.

Sam: Being in 3D, this film is going to be thrice as exciting as the existing version. Those who have seen the rushes have loved it. Especially my intro scene, when viewed with 3D glasses, people felt that I was gonna run them over with my Kinetic Honda and screamed so much, that even Varnika's ear-piercing screams weren't audible. So we've decided to mute that part, so that people themselves give the screams.

Also, Jyothi looks thrice as beautiful in her entry scene, when viewed in 3D. In keeping with her increased beauty, we've decided to give a triple echo effect to the movie's most epic dialogue, "My Gaad ! Ow booutiful you are! "

Reporter: Great, sir ! You seem delighted.

Sam: Not just delighted, I am 3D-lighted !

Reporter: Do you think this movie will win the Oscars, sir ?

Sam: We have tough competition in this category, from another 3D movie series known for its dance sequences - Step Up. But I am confident that my dance will win the jury over.

Reporter: What is your take on 3D movies, in general ?

Sam: It is the next big thing in cinema. It has a triple magnifying effect. For example, those who watched Ra.One in 3D had a headache of magnitude one and a half times that of those who watched it in 2D. Apparently, when they saw it with the 3D glasses on, they could actually see the headache right in front of them, approaching them menacingly. Also, it is believed that those who saw Dangerous Ishq and Raaz 3 in 3D laughed one and a half times louder than those who saw them in 2D. 

I believe, to make the scene more convincing, Rajini sir requested that, in Sivaji 3D, his punch dialogue be changed to "Panninga moonu kootama thaan varum...aana singam moona thaan varum!" . Also, I've been hearing a lot of rumors that the Ultimate star, Ajith Kumar has decided to release Billa 3 in the 3D format. Since the cost of shooting using a 3D camera is very expensive, the thala is believed to have agreed to shoot each scene thrice, from different angles, using a regular camera, thus putting in 3 times the effort. Also, being the altruist that he is, sources told me that he has cooked three times he quantity of biryani on the sets, due to the increased effort put in by everyone. When a small trailer was to be screened for the crew, the thala apparently gave his 3D glasses to a spot boy and watched the 3D trailer with the naked eye. These wonderful gestures are supposed to have charged up thala fans, like AAA batteries, so much so that they now refer to him only as Thalaaa.

Reporter: Wow, sir ! Back to your movie, is this also going to be released on Youtube only ?

Sam: Actually, I am just going to enable the Youtube 3D view option for the existing videos of the movie. So, people who want to watch this in 3D, have to click on the 3D button at the bottom. On second thoughts, I think I will not enable the option, in which case people will complain that it is not in 3D. This way, I'll at least get to know that people are actually trying to watch my movie.

Reporter: Thank you very much, sir ! Wishing you triple luck for your endeavor.

Sam's decision has instigated many big stars of Kollywood to follow suit. Dhanush has apparently been thinking about a sequel to 3 in 3D, titled 3 2 3D, while actors Shaam and Madhavan have been contemplating 12B 2 3D and 13B 2 3D respectively. Sources say that these movies are being considered for case studies on using the Hexadecimal number system in the growing field of numerology.

Disclaimer - My favorite 3D movie is Dum Dum Dum. The 3D effect is so much that one can see the word Dum thrice, even without putting on a 3D glass.

Also, please click on the image below to read an excerpt of the same blog post in 3D :

My sincere thanks to K.Balakumar ( the person in the pic below, also in 3D ) for inspiring me to write this post.

K Balakumar [3D]

 

SM Krishna & Hina Rabbani Khar missing after watching "Ek Tha Tiger"

Note: I've mentioned this right at the top of the blog, nevertheless, I'm saying this again - This is a fake article written in jest and just for fun, this news is NOT true.

Published by The UnReal Times at - http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2012/09/08/sm-krishna-hina-rabbani-khar-missing-after-watching-ek-tha-tiger/

Triggering widespread panic across the Indo-Pak subcontinent, Pakistan's foreign minister Hina Rabbani Khar and her Indian counterpart SM Krishna have gone missing, hours after they managed to watch Salman Khan-starrer "Ek Tha Tiger". The whole of India is on red alert and on the lookout for the two. In particular, security has been tightened near Birkin bag vendors, going by the most likely places for the two to visit. 

SM Krishna and Hina Rabbani Khar have gone missing after watching "Ek Tha Tiger"

Furious at the incidents, General Ashfaq Parvez Kayani said "We banned this movie in Pakistan, mainly because we didn't want Hina to watch it and get ideas of escaping like Katrina. Who in the Pakistani government will even attend office now, that Hina is gone? Besides, we already have the LeT here. Why allow Pakistan to inflict another torture upon itself by screening ETT? Also, we've heard that India's Foreign Minister has also gone missing! They're worse than us - isn't their current Prime Minister missing too?" before he was reminded that the Indian Prime Minister was recently found addressing the Parliament. "Oh, so that was the PM himself ? I thought they had kept his statue and played a pre-recorded speech...because I didn't see any sign of life!" said Kayani.

US Republican Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney too, expressed concern on the absence of Khar, saying "It is unfortunate that Pakistan's Car has gone missing. Hope they locate the vehicle soon. I mean, the Indian foreign minister has to stop the car for gas somewhere, shouldn't he?"

However, sources said that Krishna and Hina were spotted at Vishakapatnam in India, buying tickets for the T-20 match between India and New Zealand. "Krishnaji is like a father figure to me. He told me that he very badly wanted to witness the return of Manmohan Singh. I guess he meant Yuvraj Singh ," Hina is supposed to have said.